I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
