please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
