She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
