1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
