The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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