sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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