Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
So squirting runs in the family.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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