someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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