she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
