Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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