I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
He did a backflip because drugs
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
