Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
