you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
there is glitter all over my balls
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