Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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