ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
