listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
