My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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