He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
