Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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