he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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