Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
