ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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