so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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