foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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