The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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