life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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