I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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