I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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