One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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