Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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