i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
