Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Rumble strips road head = magical
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
