I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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