You don't have asthma, your pregnant
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
