i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
