Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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