I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
