I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
