I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
