His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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