she woke up with a sticky ear
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
