Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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