You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
