buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
