I accidentally burped into my bong.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Randomize
