how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Randomize
