I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
