im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
These tits shall not be calmed
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
