Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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