I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
